Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
