I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
