I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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