somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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