I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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