I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is Oprah even human
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
