my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
