Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
