We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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