Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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