well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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