Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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