remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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