I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
