I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
