I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
