first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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