Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
