I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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