I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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