Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
