Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
