you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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