my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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