Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
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