who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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