Please, let me fuck your mom
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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