This is not my ceiling
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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