You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
