a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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