You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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