i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
