Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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