I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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