the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
