saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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