It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Less talking, more tequila
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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