and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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