4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
