Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
