he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So much Jack, so little girl.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
