I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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