rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
