life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
