So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
