yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
