DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
