You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
