I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
