you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
