watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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