it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
