i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize