he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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