What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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