the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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