Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
