I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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