were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
