Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
