I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
