So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
