I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
