I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
