I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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