He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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